I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
