i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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