dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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