Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
