Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
