when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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