there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
