fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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