Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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