Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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