Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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