I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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