I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
