what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
