He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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