I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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