Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
