i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
