Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
