I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
