Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
