Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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