I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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