My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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