Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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