So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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