She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
