Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
