wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
