I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
