So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
50% drunk capacity currently
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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