speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
no you cant smoke seaweed
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
