In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Is it because I queefed?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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