Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
