i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
