Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
