For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
