Yo dont text me then not text me
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
