I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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