Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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