My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
