I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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