Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
