Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
