I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just gargled with NyQuil
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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