There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
