i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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