i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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