Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Let's get the cat blown out
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
