My first STD was from a foam party
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
