nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
