When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
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