u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You left your phone here
Wait...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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