i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
