Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
