He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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