Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize