If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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