everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
